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Can We Talk? Face To Face?

Zane Safrit Small Business Trends

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June 8, 2009

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Joan Rivers always made me laugh with this question: Can we talk? She’d lean towards her guest and ask earnestly “Can we talk?”

Now, I cringe when I hear it. Why? The answer today too often is No. We can’t talk.

There’s too much data, too many anecdotes, too many experiences that confirm that No - we can’t talk . . . face-to-face.

Does social media help with its more options, technologies, resources, rules, color-schemes and layouts? Maybe. I see the irony of our social media zeitgeist instead shouting “Listen to me! Listen to me”. . . at a time when our abilities to listen deteriorate faster.

I say our. I’m included.

And, the pressure builds. We need the ability to talk face-to-face. These are conversations where we can share different ideas, opposing ideas, without being threatened or attacked (or threatening and attacking the speaker). These are conversations where you can ask the terrifying questions of:

Why?
What’s so important?
Do we have to do this?
What if . . . ?
Can you explain it to me?

These questions are terrifying these days to both the speaker and the listener. It’s in these conversations where we find the solutions. It’s in these conversations where we innovate, create, tweak and refine, learn and grow. Solutions for our current needs are found in the ability to. . . gasp. . . listen. The more its need manifests, the more our failures manifest. These failures manifest most where we spend our time, work and home.

Google stressful work environment. There are 27 million results. By comparison there are 90,000 results forstressfree work environment. Google stressful bosses to find 11 million results.

Kerry Paterson, co-author of Crucial Conversations said a recent survey he conducted reported that 2/3 to 3/4 of respondents dreaded a family visit during the holidays for fear of an emotional blowup. Back in the day, we learned our social skills from our skills of observation in our family settings. And now we dread that classroom setting.

If it’s true that we can never go home again, then we must turn to other resources to bring civility back to our conversations. We really have no choice. Here are a few resources and some of their tips. Starting with the student first, Me.

Here’s my three tips:

Rest. Nothing makes me less resilient for differences of opinion than the lack of rest, particularly sleep.
Ask first. Or seek first to understand. The fallout is always unpleasant when I forget this step.
Be decisive. Surround yourself with those you are able to inspire openness and transparency. And, don’t with those you can’t.

Workforce Management: How to Counsel Your Morale Killing CEO

Ask first (Then, assuming you get assurance from your company’s head;)
Challenge and reassure the CEO
Be specific.
Ask for feedback and have a plan
Follow up on the meeting

Kare Anderson’s, What To Do When That Jerk Does It Again

Think about what makes you most angry and how you will act next time?
Do not let someone else determine your behavior. (A favorite tweet of mine was this: Tired of people driving you crazy? Stop giving them the keys.)
Cool off and get clear by responding in writing. (I’d add even if you don’t send the written response, the act of writing your response will help cool the anger and organize your thoughts on what makes you angry and allowing you to determine your behavior.)

Lynn Taylor, author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant, How To deal With An Unpredictable Boss?

Become a 30-second detective.
Be a good listener
Role model steady behavior
Lighten things up with levity

Kerry Patterson, co-author of Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High.

Stop assuming the worst in their motives. This helps us avoid the attribution error.
Avoid premature conclusions. Ask first. “I wonder if we can talk about what happened? I’m sure you didn’t intend to. . .”

Do you notice the common themes?

Be patient.

Be a role model with steady behavior
Lighten things up with levity
Don’t let others determine your behavior.

Don’t rush to conclusions. Those too often are the worst conclusions.

Ask first
Cool off and get clear
Be a good listener
Avoid premature conclusions

Gather data.

Ask them what their thoughts were at the time
Ask first
Find out what makes you angry
Be a detective
Challenge and offer feedback

The one expert we have not heard from is:

You.

What are your tips to foster productive face-to-face conversations, crucial conversations? You are an expert in both what works and what does not work in your life. What are your tips and resources to help you have the crucial conversations you need to reach your goals?

I hope we all can take more of them together. And then the next time someone asks, “Can we talk?” we can answer them enthusiastically with an unqualified, “Yes, I’d love to! ”

* * * * *

About the Author: Zane Safrit’s passion is small business and the operations’ excellence required to deliver a product that creates word-of-mouth, customer referrals and instills pride in those whose passion created it. He previously served as CEO of Conference Calls Unlimited. Zane’s blog can be found at Zane Safrit.